


Not With a Bang But With a Sneeze

by Hepzheba



Series: Tumblr ficlets [41]
Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Crack, Established Relationship, Fluff, Fluff and Humor, Future Fic, Humor, M/M, magical baby, sneeze baby
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-08
Updated: 2017-08-08
Packaged: 2018-12-12 22:03:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 888
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11746068
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hepzheba/pseuds/Hepzheba
Summary: Derek sneezed and then there was a baby. That's it, that's the story.





	Not With a Bang But With a Sneeze

**Author's Note:**

> So, this is for everyone in ladydrace‘s sterek bar. acollectionofsterek said something about sneezing and “oops, there’s a cub in my arms”. What she meant was that there was a baby that sneezed and then turned into a baby wolf. What I interpreted was, well, this. This being the crackiest I’ve ever written.

There's a loud sneeze from the kitchen and then there's wailing. Stiles hurries up from his place on the couch, not so much because of the sneezing but the wailing – that's definitely new. It doesn't sound like Derek at all either, that's the problem.

”Der-?” the rest of the name get stuck somewhere in Stiles' throat. Derek's holding a baby. A naked baby. A baby boy. Because the baby is naked, so Stiles can see that it's a boy.

”What-? Why-? How-?” Stiles stammers.

”I sneezed,” Derek says, holding the wailing baby boy as far away from himself as possible, as if it is toxic. Which it might be.

”What?” Stiles repeats, a bit more coherent this time, if he may say so himself.

”I sneezed,” Derek repeats. Which explains absolutely nothing.

”I heard, I don't need an update whenever your body does something.”

”No,” Derek says, as if weighing every word carefully. ”I _sneezed_.”

Stiles gives him a blank look. His ears are starting to hurt from the wailing baby.

”Give him to me,” Stiles says and takes the baby from Derek's hands. Derek doesn't protest. The baby stops wailing and only lets out small hiccups as Stiles holds him to his chest. ”There, there,” he tells the baby in what he imagines to be a soothing voice. He imagines he's always been great with kids, not that he's ever gotten the chance to test his baby whispering skills. The baby in his arms now seems to like him just fine.

”Now, I know we've talked about getting a baby, but Derek, you can't just steal a baby...”

”But-”

”No, you just can't. Normal people just don't steal other people's babies.”

”I think it constitutes as kidnapping,” Derek supplies unhelpfully.

”Oh, my god!” Stiles wails, almost as loud as the baby. Speaking of baby, he starts to cry again. ”I'm sorry, daddy won't scream at papa.”

”Daddy? Papa?” Derek questions with a raised eyebrow.

”If we're keeping him-”

”We're not keeping him,” Derek says, scandalized.

”You stole him.”

”Kidnapped, if anything, but I didn't... I _sneezed_ and it-”

”He.”

” _He_ appeared.”

”He _appeared?_ ”

”Yes, Stiles!”

”Like out of the blue appeared?”

”Yes! What other uses of appeared is there?”

”He can't just have appeared?”

”He did! I swear!”

Stiles gives Derek a _look._ Derek glares.

”If he just magically appeared then we'll go to Deaton, he'll probably know what to do.”

”What are we doing to it?” Derek asks.

”Him! God, Derek. We're bringing _him_ with us.”

Stiles wraps the baby up in a blanket that he had previously curled up under on the couch.

”We need to go shopping for clothes,” Stiles says. ”And diapers. And-”

”We're not keeping him,” Derek scowls and gets behind the wheel of his car, Stiles taking the passenger seat with the baby in his arms.

They arrive at Deaton's and step inside the clinic. They're met by not only Deaton but two middle-aged women too.  
”Did you like your gift?” one of them asks. She's got red hair and brown eyes. The other's got blonde hair and blue eyes.

”Gift?” Stiles asks.

”Stiles, get behind me,” Derek says, extracting his claws and growling low in his throat. ”They're magic.”

The blonde looks a bit shocked, but the other looks mostly amused. Deaton looks – hell, who knows what Deaton's thinking, he looks like he doesn't give a shit.

”Derek, they're friends,” he says, but looks like he couldn't care less if Derek tore both women apart. Stiles places a hand on Derek's shoulder, which is quite a feat while still holding the baby.

”Derek,” he says, trying to sound calm even though his heart is beating like mad.

”We've just moved in here,” the blonde says. ”We thought you might like a gift, to show that we don't mean no harm.”

”A gift?” Derek asks around his fangs.

”The baby,” the red-hair says with the duh implied.

”The baby?” Derek asks.

”This baby,” Stiles says and shakes the baby, forgetting that it's, well, a baby. The baby makes a confused sound. ”Sorry.”

”Have you decided what to name him?” the red-haired woman asks.

”What about Jeremy?” Stiles says.

”We're not keeping it,” Derek says at the same time.

”Him,” Stiles and the two women say in unison.

”We're not keeping him.”

Stiles can't see Derek's face because he's still half-behind Derek, but he's quite sure Derek's glaring.

”You can't just give away a baby.”

”You want a baby, don't you?”

”Not a magical baby!” Derek hisses and it sounds like he's retracted his fangs at least. His stance is slightly less threatening. Small favors.

”He's not magical,” the blonde laughs kindly.

”Then how?” Stiles asks. ”You didn't steal a baby for us, did you?”

”No, silly,” the red-haired woman says. ”We transformed him from a wolf cub.”

”But that means you stole him from his mother,” Stiles says and thinks of a wolf mom looking for her lost cub.

”He was an orphan,” the blonde quickly says.

Stiles chooses to believe her words.

”He's yours if you want him,” the blonde says.

”We do,” Stiles says.

”We do?” Derek asks.

”Yes, dude, we do!” Stiles says.

Derek gives a put-upon sigh and Stiles beams.

 

And that's how Jeremy Stilinski-Hale came to his parents, not with a bang but with a sneeze.

 


End file.
